The first task at hand was to discover whether Adiana, the young woman who we hoped would house me while there, would even CONSIDER me as a house guest for two months. So, I called that very first day and, surprisingly on the first attempt, she answered. I told her about Jase's proposal and our subsequent agreement to take the time to individually pray and ponder over the idea.
Adiana listened intently and I asked her if she would take a week also to pray about it. I told her I would call her then to find out what her thoughts and feelings were. She agreed and my week began.
Starting from the afternoon of our "talk", all I thought about was Jase's proposal to send me to Puerto Rico. Every ". . yeah, but. . ." concern floated at the forefront of my mind every day. The concerns were MAGNIFIED as I went about doing my daily, monotonous attempts at finding order in the chaos of homemaker, wife, mother, daughter, caregiver, etc.
Who is kidding who?! We are barely holding on by a string JUST to get to the end of an average day. If I drop this into their laps? . . .NOT gonna be possible.
Worry. Anxiety. Fear. Repeated day in and day out. By day three I was emotionally wiped out! (This wasn't uncommon for me, and ironically one of Jase's arguments for me GOING!)
I can't remember what I was doing, but sometime that third day I received a call from a familiar face and cell number. It was Adiana. I answered with the same words I have with her for over 6 years now. "Hola Nina!" She said a peaceful "hello" and got right down to business.
"Kathy, I have been praying for three days now, and I have a clear answer. As I have been asking Father in Heaven to know what to do, the words that have kept coming to my mind are these. ""Kathy was the one who brought the Gospel to my life. . .this is the least I could do to help her.""
Tears burst from my eyes. I couldn't speak for a moment. . .just tears. She elaborated a bit more and then proceeded to explain all of the things that would need to be done in order to empty and prepare the second bedroom of her newly remodeled childhood home. The second bedroom was packed with storage stuff currently and needed to be thinned out and put into a dedicated storage area. "But. . .I have been avoiding doing it all this time. Maybe this is Heavenly Father's way of helping me to get it done!"
Simple pure faith. She has maintained that spirit ever since.
We hung up. I turned my thoughts to Heaven and took a big deep breath. In that moment I began to wonder, "What if? . .". Up until then, I wouldn't allow myself to believe that under certain circumstances, it might be possible.
By day six or so, I was back to HYPER ANXIETY. I had stayed true to my request that Jase and I keep this between us and not to share. But I was feeling trapped and I couldn't help but need to get out of the house for a bit. So I headed out with some mundane task as an excuse and I ended up sitting at one of my "peaceful places". . .the stool in the kitchen of my sweet Sarah's house.
This will help me in this process. Can't tell her anything. . .but her voice and love ALWAYS brings a spirit of comfort. I'll just sit here and bask in all that is Sarah and take advantage of the smell of yummy bread baking and . . .
"What's wrong with you?"
Really?! How does she DO that?!
"Nothing. I am just pondering on some stuff and just need to get through it. I promised Jase that we would share with everyone else later. I am okay."
Well, for those privileged enough to have Sarah in their lives, they KNOW that she is no pushover! She walked around the bar and put her hands on my shoulders and started the gentle GRINDING of a trained massage therapist and said, "You KNOW that you can't say THAT and NOT tell me?!"
She was right and the dam broke.
I told her the background and within minutes I was in tears again. I had had a painful, unspoken, repeating, "What if. . ." worry spinning in my head for days and I hadn't dared put it to words. And it involved Sarah, as well as, a few other of my most intimate "gift from above" friends.
With tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I managed to stumble the words out of my heart.
"What if I get thin again and turn into a stuck-up witch and you guys end up hating me?!"
Sarah paused politely for a few seconds. . .then. . .BURST INTO LAUGHTER!
"That's not funny! I am serious! I can't remember what it feels like to be at a normal weight. But I DO remember how obsessed I used to be about being thin; how my entire sense of value felt as though it was based on the number on the scale. Don't laugh at me!"
She hugged me and told me that it wasn't my nature to be "a witch". She sat with me for what seemed like hours, (impossible with our schedules), comforting me, telling me that who I am would not change; that she loved me, as did our other friends, and that those friendships, as well as other intimate friendships that I had, would stay in tact. The flood of tears eventually slowed down and I felt the comfort of air getting into and out of my lungs again.
Those two experiences with tender friends, as well as many others that I choose to shelve for the moment, were the foundations for the pattern of answers that came during that time.With almost every worry that my mind could conjure up for those ten, or so days, I received a continuous flow of peace and clarity with each one.
Jase and I returned to share what we each had discovered and the answer was apparent:
Puerto Rico was part of a journey that Father had in store for us. All of the "whys" and "hows" would come in stages. But we were committed.
No comments:
Post a Comment