Bridging the Gap - September 2015 thru January 10, 2016

Well, SO much happened during this period, that to attempt to play "catch up" would be futile. With each day spent trying to get the past caught up to today is another day missed in being closer to "real time".

I am in Puerto Rico, suffice it to say. I have been saving drafts in Word Documents and will transfer them soon.

Let me close this short post by bearing witness to Father in Heaven's INCREDIBLE love for us.  Even in the most difficult time's of our lives, He attempts to communicate His love for us.

Pay attention. . .listen. . .look around. . .breathe.

He is here. 

Amazing.

Tender Friendships and Divine Answers - August/September 2015

The first task at hand was to discover whether Adiana, the young woman who we hoped would house me while there, would even CONSIDER me as a house guest for two months. So, I called that very first day and, surprisingly on the first attempt, she answered. I told her about Jase's proposal and our subsequent agreement to take the time to individually pray and ponder over the idea.  

Adiana listened intently and I asked her if she would take a week also to pray about it. I told her I would call her then to find out what her thoughts and feelings were. She agreed and my week began.

Starting from the afternoon of our "talk", all I thought about was Jase's proposal to send me to Puerto Rico.  Every ". . yeah, but. . ." concern floated at the forefront of my mind every day.  The concerns were MAGNIFIED as I went about doing my daily, monotonous attempts at finding order in the chaos of homemaker, wife, mother, daughter, caregiver, etc. 

Who is kidding who?! We are barely holding on by a string JUST to get to the end of an average day. If I drop this into their laps? . . .NOT gonna be possible.

Worry. Anxiety. Fear. Repeated day in and day out. By day three I was emotionally wiped out! (This wasn't uncommon for me, and ironically one of Jase's arguments for me GOING!) 

I can't remember what I was doing, but sometime that third day I received a call from a familiar face and cell number. It was Adiana.  I answered with the same words I have with her for over 6 years now. "Hola Nina!" She said a peaceful "hello" and got right down to business.

"Kathy, I have been praying for three days now, and I have a clear answer.  As I have been asking Father in Heaven to know what to do, the words that have kept coming to my mind are these. ""Kathy was the one who brought the Gospel to my life. . .this is the least I could do to help her.""

Tears burst from my eyes. I couldn't speak for a moment. . .just tears. She elaborated a bit more and then proceeded to explain all of the things that would need to be done in order to empty and prepare the second bedroom of her newly remodeled childhood home. The second bedroom was packed with storage stuff currently and needed to be thinned out and put into a dedicated storage area. "But. . .I have been avoiding doing it all this time. Maybe this is Heavenly Father's way of helping me to get it done!"

Simple pure faith. She has maintained that spirit ever since.

We hung up. I turned my thoughts to Heaven and took a big deep breath. In that moment I began to wonder, "What if? . .". Up until then, I wouldn't allow myself to believe that under certain circumstances, it might be possible.

By day six or so, I was back to HYPER ANXIETY.  I had stayed true to my request that Jase and I keep this between us and not to share.  But I was feeling trapped and I couldn't help but need to get out of the house for a bit.  So I headed out with some mundane task as an excuse and I ended up sitting at one of my "peaceful places". . .the stool in the kitchen of my sweet Sarah's house. 

This will help me in this process.  Can't tell her anything. . .but her voice and love ALWAYS brings a spirit of  comfort. I'll just sit here and bask in all that is Sarah and take advantage of the smell of yummy bread baking and . . .

"What's wrong with you?"

Really?! How does she DO that?!

"Nothing.  I am just pondering on some stuff and just need to get through it.  I promised Jase that we would share with everyone else later.  I am okay." 

Well, for those privileged enough to have Sarah in their lives, they KNOW that she is no pushover! She walked around the bar and put her hands on my shoulders and started the gentle GRINDING of a trained massage therapist and said, "You KNOW that you can't say THAT and NOT tell me?!"

She was right and the dam broke. 

I told her the background and within minutes I was in tears again.  I had had a painful, unspoken, repeating, "What if. . ." worry spinning in my head for days and I hadn't dared put it to words. And it involved Sarah, as well as, a few other of my most intimate "gift from above" friends. 

With tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I managed to stumble the words out of my heart.

"What if I get thin again and turn into a stuck-up witch and you guys end up hating me?!"

Sarah paused politely for a few seconds. . .then. . .BURST INTO LAUGHTER!

"That's not funny! I am serious!  I can't remember what it feels like to be at a normal weight. But I DO remember how obsessed I used to be about being thin; how my entire sense of value felt as though it was based on the number on the scale. Don't laugh at me!"

She hugged me and told me that it wasn't my nature to be "a witch". She sat with me for what seemed like hours, (impossible with our schedules), comforting me, telling me that who I am would not change; that she loved me, as did our other friends, and that those friendships, as well as other intimate friendships that I had,  would stay in tact. The flood of tears eventually slowed down and I felt the comfort of air getting into and out of my lungs again.

Those two experiences with tender friends, as well as many others that I choose to shelve for the moment, were the foundations for the pattern of answers that came during that time.With almost every worry that my mind could conjure up for those ten, or so days, I received a continuous flow of  peace and clarity with each one.

Jase and I returned to share what we each had discovered and the answer was apparent:

Puerto Rico was part of a journey that Father had in store for us. All of the "whys" and "hows" would come in stages.  But we were committed.

The Catalyst Discussion - August 2015

Jase, my husband of 19 years, had the day off.  Rare, to say the least. There was so much left to do to get our new master bedroom ready to move into, in order to make available our current bedroom to my mother who had been living with us since December 2014. (How blessed we are that at 76 she can withstand "couch surfing"!) 

As the morning was in motion, Jase casually handed me a magazine article and said, "Here. . .read this and tell me what you think." I took it from his hand as he walked on by and I read the title. Although I cannot currently recall the title verbatim, I clearly remember the topic and general content.  The article was about three sisters who all chose to have some type of stomach reduction surgery.  Not THIS again, I thought.  Since our, then, 13 year old son was around 5 or 6 years old, Jase had often tried to encourage me to tryout for Biggest Loser and, on occasion, brought to my attention the medical successes of Lap Band/Gastric Bypass surgeries, etc. Could he REALLY be bringing this up AGAIN?! 

I left the living room and walked into our bedroom and plopped down in another chair more suitable for the task.  He was sitting on our bed and I could sense that he was apprehensive about having given the article to me.  Surely he recalled the past conversations on the subject and my opinion about it. He spoke up. "I am not suggesting that you HAVE one of these surgeries. Just read it and tell me what you think." Right. SUUURE he is not suggesting. 

Fine. I would read the stinkin' article.

Each of the sisters in the article had different experiences, successes, side effects, and complications. I had to admit, it was interesting to read a few of the "Ah-ha" realizations that one sister had with her relationship with food.  When you aren't physically able consume all of your "comfort foods" when you are in need of comfort. . .what then?! Interesting, I thought. What about when you are scared? Angry? Lost? Frustrated?  The list for ME could go on and on.

"Okay, Jase, I read it.  Now what?" He sat on our bed and the discussion commenced. The initial concerns over my health were familiar.  He was "REALLLLLY worried". Scared that if something drastic wasn't done, he could "lose me early in life," etc., etc. This was not new.  I sat there a bit begrudgingly. I had made it clear on so many other occasions that, first, Biggest Loser was out of the question because when the show first aired, our son had recently been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Our lives changed dramatically.  What if I auditioned and MADE the cut? There was no WAY that I would leave Bryce and our daughter, Alicia,  who was only around 8 or 9 at the time, to "selfishly go and get skinny again". What kind of mother would that make me?!

Second, I had made it clear in regards to any stomach reduction surgery, that I would consider it under one condition. That Jase find me a single case of someone having had the procedure and THEN having had success as a marathoner or triathlete. He had yet to find anyone at this point.  This isn't to say that they don't exist.  My point to him was simply that I was 47 years old. A former collegiate athlete with a desire to be strong, lean, and athletic again. I have no interest in being thin for thin's sake.

I want to play volleyball with my kids before I die! I want to hike with my sweet friend Sarah through our beautiful canyons of rural Utah without passing out.  I want to return to training for another triathlons with another "gift-from-God" friend, Cindy, whose honesty and genuine truth about her journey with weight and change, humble me. I told Jase that it simply didn't seem logical that if I had one of these types of surgeries, I could consume sufficient calories to sustain the type of training I wished to do. I have a bucket list. I was not ready to dump that bucket and refill it with less physically demanding dreams.  Not yet.

Our discussion, continued for over 2 hours. The battle as to whose opinion was more valid was warm, but tender.  I understood his concerns. Since becoming my mother's full-time caregiver in our home, Jase was witness to my, already medically compromised health, deteriorating even more. Although I wasn't consciously aware of the worsening of my conditions, Jase was.  He works in a hospital laboratory and is very aware of the dangers of obesity.  He sees the results of poor lifestyle choices everyday.  I understood where he was coming from.

"Jase, look, I am planing to trying juicing one more time."  

I juiced for the first time when Alicia was recovering from an ACL replacement surgery when she was 16.  I had just completed another 30 day juice the April prior and learned so much about my body. I did not make the necessary permanent lifestyle choices after the 30 days were over, like I intended. And although I hadn't mentioned anything to anyone, I was getting geared up to tackle a 60 day juice. 

"Please be patient and let me get my brain, our kitchen, and our family ready for that challenge. It won't be easy.  But I have been planning on it for over a month now."

Jase suddenly got quiet. (It's not like either of us to get quiet during a battle of opinions!) He said nothing for quite a while and I stared waiting for his response.

"What if I sent you to Puerto Rico for those 60 days?"

WHAT?! YOUR HIGH!. . .I thought. We are active Latter-day Saints. We don't GET high! So this was concerning.

"Have you lost your mind?", I said. And the barrage of reasons why that would be out of the question began.

Who would take care of my Mom? Cook our family's gluten free food? Find everyone's stuff when they misplace something? Wake Bryce up at 6;30, 6;45, 7;00, 7:05, and then pull his covers off at 7:10 20 minutes before he had to be at the bus stop?!! Get him to volleyball practice 100 miles away twice a week? Who would go ballistic about the mudroom being impenetrable because the dirty clothes (and their hampers) somehow are trying mingle with the 3 foot high stack of unfolded clean clothes piled on the folding table?!  NO one is QUALIFIED to do any of that. Who in their right mind would WANT to?!

Nope. Puerto Rico is NOT an option.

Needless to say, the discussion and counter arguments ensued and we were there in our bedroom for another 30 minutes, bantering back and forth about me going to Puerto Rico or not.  Let me say here that this "discussion" was different from others we have had in the last 19 years.  So often, our competitive natures didn't allow us to have "peaceful disagreements".  But, as Jase presented his case, he was peaceful. Calm. His voice wasn't high pitched.  I actually was a bit queried. He was throwing off our normal groove!

He told me that in his off-and-on research through the years I have struggled so desperately with my weight, he had learned much.  One of his closest friends in our small rural town happens to be one of our three local physicians. They motorbike ride, vacation, and generally pal around when schedules allow.  Since they see each other every working day, they have had many occasions to talk about what buddies talk about. I am sure they have discussed many possible remedies to this challenge, as his wife struggles as I do.

Jase's strongest argument for sending me, was that one of the reasons why Biggest Loser contestants did so well on the show was due to their leaving their normal environment as they re-learned how to live a healthier lifestyle."It would be hard to have you gone so long. But if we put many safeguards in place, we could do it."

Bryce was no longer a struggling 5 year old learning how to express himself so that others could understand what he was trying to tell them. He was a well adjusted 13 year old, soon to be 14. He was mainstreamed into our local middle school getting great grades and participating in extra-curricular activities that he enjoyed and excelled at. 

Our 18 year old daughter was in her first few weeks of college and was already planning on returning home after the end of the semester to take on a full-time job.  She would turn 19 in February and had decided to serve a full-time mission for our church after April 1, 2016. She would be home during the proposed 60 days that would begin the first part of January.  Jase then said our planned vacation to the same Puerto Rico, would stay as scheduled with the three of them joining me after the 60 days. He seemed more clear about how this could possibly happen than I was willing to admit. 

In spite of my interest in this new way of "arguing" about who might be right, I was exhausted.  So I proposed a break.

"Look, Jase. . .I can't see how it would be possible for our home and family to function for 60 days without me here.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to my mom. How in the WORLD would the three of you manage mom and all of her needs as WELL as your own.  I just can't see it."

So I proposed that the two of us take a week or so to pray over the idea; to really think about what would need to happen and if it SHOULD happen.  I asked that neither of us discuss it with anyone, but instead, keep our counsel with Father in Heaven.  We would return at the end of the week to share any answers we each received.